Pushing, trying, forcing, harding, efforting…
These are all verbs of the grind, all ways in which I push myself to grasp at what I desire. I suspect others do the same. Like anything else its easiest to observe in another first. I have a phrase for this.
Doing too much.
As soon as I become aware of the signs, I say it out loud to whoever is in the room and if I am alone I say it to myself. Its my incantation. It signals me to step out of my mind and put down whatever the mind is holding and back away slowly.
What are the signs of doing too much? Lets start with how we might end up doing to much first.
I’m a thinker and an analyzer and a researcher by nature. As soon as I decide I want things from the mundane to the occult I go forward with the intention to gather info and amass knowledge then to carry out specific plans and become the queen of whatever it is in 12-24 hours. What a horrible way to ruin what you love, right?
Since I am aware that it begins this way I have learned to trick myself into falling down the obsessive doing hole by more subtle means.
I have learned, many times over, the lesson that working from intuition, living from center, and trusting the present moment are the ways to drift into flow and move with the natural order of the cosmos. Sometimes this divine alignment just isn’t sufficient for my mind. She cracks up, ‘how ridiculous,’ she says. ‘Our heart is a tangled mess. She can’t be trusted. We will do some meditation and yoga and work on that later, right now we only have X amount of time to spend learning or doing our way to the next step and that’s when the magic will happen. We must press on! We need to read this chapter, complete this exercise, then clean the house, go to work and come home, spend time with family and there is just no time for you to take 15 minutes going within. We have goals!’
Oh, mind. You mistrustful logical seducer of willing victims.
What results is the inevitable moment where I am agitated, mad I have not completed my projects because I cant settle into my body and get started. Madder still that I am not more disciplined. Angry even that I do not have enough time to do all the things I want to do. Disappointed that the moment I was living for has yet to come and so much time has passed and I am not the queen of anything yet!! I am sharp pointy needles all over, anxious, frustrated and finally emotional as well. Then I do something like burn the supper, that as a kitchen witch and someone who aspires to cook from a place of sacred intention at least 3 or 4 nights a week because I believe food is medicine, totally derails me and I consider myself the worst kind of failure at life. I would love to say I get the message already but sometimes it goes on a little longer before it dawns on me.
I’m doing too much.
Why is it so hard to slow down and rest in Spirit?
Why can’t we just believe that we are already full, already whole, already anointed, already Blessed? We are already enough. We are already a part of the One Thing. We already have access to the very divinity that we are grasping after.
Magic 101~ calm the mind. Drop it, even.
When I remind myself that this is the only lesson that I ever need to learn I just stop. I am not going to say that I cease to struggle with this realization when it occurs. I still feel some type of way about it that puts me out to say the least but I can, at last, give up. Surrender. Most of the time that feels good because the amount of tension that I have built up over trying to so damn hard is clamoring inside me to break.
I know that a few of the words I began this article with are not proper English. Language, vocabulary, are meaningful even when misused and sometimes more so. There is a difference between applying effort and efforting, there is a difference between the quality of hardness and harding and thus hardening. This is a kind of punishment and pushing that is not self loving. These ambitions are coming from a space of inadequacy, not joy. Not love. Not Spirit.
So, what I have found is the same truth that I have been finding for years now. Stop, settle down, ground, connect. Even and ESPECIALLY DURING YOUR MOMENTS OF GREATEST RESISTANCE. Then move on with your projects from that place of union and connection. Now you’re holding sacred and intentional space, now you are home. Now you are Queen of everything.
Well, thats what I tell myself, your affirmations will be phrased as you are.
Much love folks, have a beautiful day and make haste slowly. xoxoxo