Pick up sticks

They don’t know what things came loose

What pieces fell out of you like loose change over the years of trying to forget them or to not remember

They bring up old times or comment on memories like they were normal, like you were never happy- just plain- no big

Or they say something nice, as if nice isn’t the biggest insult of all- the biggest coldest hardest slap across the unfeeling face of heart break

They don’t know about your sleepless nights

Your long sad brooding hours spent rehashing all the ways you failed at love

All the ways you wanted it to be different

All the ways it will always be exactly what it is

They don’t know that you can’t joke about it or laugh or be friends

They don’t know it still stings

They won’t know because you won’t tell them and you will burn to death of frostbite before you let them in again

But you know

You know that you are mistrustful

You can’t let go

You want to be alone

You know that you drift further each day

Away from others as if stranded on a piece of frozen ice

Further out on the Arctic

Staring into the white wintery horizon on your way to the island of misfit toys

You gave up trying to find people

It changed you

Irrevocably

Your heart ache changed you

It would be a long game of pick up sticks trying to get to the bottom of that sad pile of past pain

It’s easier to ignore it and look away

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Trauma as Initiation and leaving the lost behind

​”But there is another sort of initiation we should men-

tion, one where the initiate neither sets out to seek for

knowledge nor is led into it by friends or lovers. Instead

power sneaks up behind the initiate and pushes him or her

into an awareness of it as if off a cliff into the sea. If the

formal initiation is more measured, it also leaves one with

the option of losing interest and sliding back into the mun-

dane. The second leaves you with no options at all. You are

hurled into an ordeal and either win through into an aware-

ness of power, or else shrink back from it in the knowledge

that your cowardice cost you a chance at a whole new

world.”- Stephen Mace, Shaping Formless Fire. 

When I deal with those whose depression or trauma has failed to bridge their experience of life from victim to victor I want to shake them and punch them in the face but I’m susceptible to this same sort of cowardice. It’s not fair to judge them like this but it’s my own shadow that I am judging, it’s a triggered perception. I know what I fight to overcome, and yet overcoming it I just expect everyone else to do the same. Seeing my struggles as initiations puts them in a context that empowers me and it makes me sad that we (we being those who struggle with depression) are all so willing to give our power away. Still, this is the reason why I don’t give mine away. If I ruin my life at least it’s because I ruined it, I’m not leaving it to chance. I’m doing all I can to be intentional and not be a burden on my family or society. 

This is simply my own coping mechanism. What I can see by my sensitivity to those who appear to me as ‘not coping at all’ or coping with drugs, alcohol, sex or any number of distractions and/or delusions is that I’m quite close to the same behavior myself. My demons are more subtle, though, not as conquered as I think they are. The fight is still on. In this I must be honest with myself. The guilt I feel for further divorcing myself from those people that trigger me in such a way has to be treated with loving forgiveness. We are making fundamentally different choices. I need not punch anyone in the face but I do need to move on. If I should shake someone, it should be me. There’s nothing here to rescue. Save myself.

Fragile

Some days crumble

From top to bottom or from beneath

The blood drains

It stains our teeth

Red hearts beat, speed up

Tears fall in our sleep

I can’t change it

No more safe

The road turns and we follow

Unable to slow down

What has been gives way to what will be

I loved you for me

And that’s all I knew

Now I know better

We take the gifts we are given

Instead of forever

Life and death are like this

Fragile and inevitable

I, the wanderer

I have stopped going back
Stopped returning
I still roam of course
Wander from county to county
I go alone and sometimes not
I no longer visit though
I was always showing up at the party
Always stopping by
Asking if I could stay for a night
Do they think I've been lost
That I finally disappeared down a moonlit trail
Perhaps I naturally faded away
As party goers and lively company are want to do
Nowadays I have a warm den
I have soft light
Pictures on the wall
Books at my bed side
It looks like home after all
I have spread myself through the house
Left my shadow here and there
Who knew I would settle in
All those that I use to call on
Do not call here
No visits to me
No trips reciprocated
And I see-
I think I went out
Looking for home
So I found people with homes
They couldn't bare to leave
Then I asked to come in
But just for a bit
I, the wanderer
Couldn't bare to stay

Revelation and Review

Each August I experience this same pull to look deeply into what changes have formed in myself over the course of the year. My internal clock is set to take a mental/emotional first harvest. This post is perhaps the initial fruit of this labor. I hope that it offers insight and illumination to others by way of resonance.

Lucifer, the Light Bearer, the Morningstar, the Adversary, Hekate, the Torch Bearer, Keyholder, Lady of the Crossroads, Queen of the Witches, may your Wisdom, Knowledge, Fire and Passion enliven these words. In bright blessing and dark merriment, Lis.

My path wound up from the changeling, the odd child, the misfit, the loner. Backwards and introverted in every way, ungrounded, otherworldy and misunderstood. My family was dysfunctional and my early relationships imbalanced. I suffered depression and anxiety. I found solace in drugs and rejected all spirituality only finding truth of any sad kind in nihilism. This is not an uncommon story and I have no desire to spend a great length of words on it. Ignorance is its strongest characteristic. It is as if I stared into the abyss as a child and was never truly able to turn away. However it would be so much later in life before I could learn to integrate it and benefit from its lessons or its teachers.

I began, as we all do, accumulating my shadow content early on and I had quite the compost pile built up before I ever thought to explore it. In drugs and through relationships chosen unconsciously I played out my darkness on the stage of my life ruining myself at every turn. Destroying myself with self sabotage, destroying others with cruel and reckless behavior, choosing people that would keep me in a cycle of pain, abandonment and victim-hood, I was able to exact the only control I could conceive of. Of course all of this was mostly unconscious. Complexes I could not see ruled my life. Even as I asked myself why and blamed others and tortured myself for being the incompetent, fearful and worthless fool that I knew I must be for recreating the same content over and over again with different faces and different substances, I felt unable to escape, doomed to hit repeat again and again. Finally I lost everything.

Now I see that this is the force of darkness unconquered and unexamined. These are the Dark Gods working in the life of the ignorant and uninitiated. Dark forces that cannot be grounded and contained within the body and the psyche turn to chaos and misfortune when they are tapped unconsciously and without skillful intention.

I believe myself to be a mystic, a seeker, a spiritual traveler and it is the left hand path that I have chosen throughout my life, unknowingly for much of it. In these dark days I was calling from within, asking for the deliverance and the knowledge of the darkness, I wanted to be moved, to be expanded, to have a spiritual experience. Perhaps I thought that the light would be an end result, something to be met on the other side of suffering and hardship but we must illuminate from within the darkness. A spark, grand and unbelievable- inconceivable- must be struck by our own souls from the darkest places therein.

Nearly every metaphysical text I have read cautions of dabbling, expresses the dangers of entering into occult work without the proper mindset and the probability of mental instability when confronted with dark forces before we have the skill to embody them. It is only in the last 6 years or so that I have been actively involved in my spiritual life. Before then I was largely unconscious to my spiritual self. I believed that I was atheist, that I had no soul, no spiritual self. I can see now it was all there. Acting of its own accord. Without awareness this uncultivated depth drove me to misery over and over again. This, to me, is the embodiment of all the warnings and disclosures of every mystical practice. I pose that you need not be religious or mystical to fall prey to these forces. They are here to tempt and destroy us in order to bring about our salvation and redemption. We should not fear or turn away from the seeking but we must arm ourselves with the ability, the tools, the resources to confront the archetypes that drive us in order to become senior to our baser energies and instincts. To fear them, to shroud them in mystery and vilify them is our undoing. As it is also dangerous to court them and escape into their seductions unconsciously as one does in thrill seeking and dissipation. This is why dark deity are seen as cruel, they contain all the malevolence that we as humans can imagine, they do not suffer fools and they will grant you exactly what you are asking for.

When my spiritual awakening began I spent my time in the loving arms of a Goddess of compassion and clarity, the deity and Bodhisattva Tara of Tibetan Buddhism. She was my loving companion and I spent much time in her presence learning awareness, how to confront my thoughts and feelings without judgement or attachment and learning also what Pema Chodron calls the wisdom of no escape. Without this healing I could never have moved forward on my path and I spent several years here just getting to know the obvious in my life (inner and outer) that I kept failing to see or actively turning away from. There was a lot of forgiveness. This is why the middle path is suggested as the way, it is a gentle path that anyone can step onto and have little fear for things going sideways. This is not to say it is a simple path to follow or even master, gentle is no less difficult. Confronting self is perilous but awards great treasure.

It is said that all paths will take you there and they will. One is not any better than the other, only different. It is likely we will spend time on all paths at some point, it is human nature, I think, to meander.

Unconsciously choosing and walking in the dark I fell. Awakening and choosing love and light I learned. Now it is time for me to descend again. There are treasures to bring up from below. Now, with skilled intention and proper alignment with the deities and archetypes of the void I can mine the unconscious and integrate the lessons that I have spent precious time and meditation making myself ready for.

May you all experience illumination, may all beings realize the light within, most especially when you are confronted with your deepest darkness.

Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit.  (Bidden or unbidden, God will be present.)

Sweet Dream

I hear the owl echo from

deep in the wet wood 

A long lonely sound mixed with the whir 

Of bugs and cars and wind in the leaves

That drip rain as dogs bark while words cease

An evening, alone

Here and now is all

I float on the quiet life

I dig deep in my grave

For I know I boxed me up

And buried me one day

This moment is so solemn

It almost seems right to wake the dead

Its as if this is what they’d live for

If only they could live instead 

And all my sorry cares

My broken hearts and broken bones 

Might seal themselves back up

Like loves holy light come home 

Its like nothing had ever broke me

Not at 7 or at 9 or 14

No world I ever lived in had been less

than a sweet dream

Going Home

Truth telling time

my lips close

lies becoming concrete

my heart drops below my feet

God the father is dead-

but killing me

We do not escape

no place to run or hide

we are but children

we speak in code and travel

in the mind

We become small

smaller in plain sight

we shrink- our lights go out

We are bodies only

buildings, like the house

furniture, floors

awaiting the lions next roar

the howl, the brawl

Still, so still

our breath even hangs in the air

If you are very quiet

and you never move

no one can ever care

But you do move

and days do pass

and its always a disappointment

you, always an empty ornament

a reminder of seen crimes

an accomplice to horror

complicit to your mother’s, brother’s, sister’s torture

lips sealed shut, lies firmed up

Out… out

and the flame is only soot

the fire, a fantasy

who says you are dead to me?

Forget the enemy, the family

Snatch the breath from the air

Alive! Inhale!

Do all this as if you care

our heart will beat, our selves will align

His truth is not our truth this time.

EMOTIONAL RECALIBRATION, FATIGUE AND DETOXIFICATION: PROCESSES OF CHANGE AND WAYS TO SUPPORT YOURSELF

Just an excellent post, as usual, from the Sky Priestess.

Dr. Bairavee Balasubramaniam PhD

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Empathy fatigue or burnout is a real thing. Practising self-care, taking time out for yourself becomes ever more relevant. This is the minimum baseline for anyone seeking or providing spiritual services at this point in human evolution.

What I am feeling, and interpreting from the skies (not just now, but a couple of years ahead) is that we are being asked, or rather, required to evolve more resilient emotional circuitry.

Things are not going to calm down any time soon. Expecting them to will only cause further inertia, struggle and unnecessary suffering. So we´ve got to up our game instead.

Basically – 2012 was a threshold and we´ve been recalibrating since.

This does not mean that we can no longer afford to feel vulnerable or to recognize it as such. Suppressing your emotions is probably one of the worst things you could do. Numbing them by resorting to substances, addictive…

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Ereshkigal

She sits in the dark with me

and cries my tears

Oh, Mother…

I put my palms down

on her dirt floor

I feel her body

The dark rises

and I sink

under

underworld

I hear her wail and sob

it is my voice

She is more

than my earth mother

more than

a soul eater

we go to the bottom

all the way

her creatures

move in shadows

I am not afraid

this is the quiet

of ancient tombs

of buried treasure

of grief and burden

this is her quiet

the quiet of death

I die here

I die as many times

as it takes

and she is my witness

she marks the time

she says goodbye

she mourns me

over and over

she mourns me

over and over I wake

in cold sweats

in heartbreak

in horror

on hands and knees

I search

they say the keys to heaven

are hidden on the floor of hell

I feel her sharp and perfect body

her sharp and perfect love

our sharp and perfect pain

this time I will not die

this time I will be reborn

born of darkness

to reclaim my light

 

Doing too much

Pushing, trying, forcing, harding, efforting…

These are all verbs of the grind, all ways in which I push myself to grasp at what I desire. I suspect others do the same. Like anything else its easiest to observe in another first. I have a phrase for this.

 

Doing too much.

 

As soon as I become aware of the signs, I say it out loud to whoever is in the room and if I am alone I say it to myself. Its my incantation. It signals me to step out of my mind and put down whatever the mind is holding and back away slowly.

 

What are the signs of doing too much? Lets start with how we might end up doing to much first.

 

I’m a thinker and an analyzer and a researcher by nature. As soon as I decide I want things from the mundane to the occult I go forward with the intention to gather info and amass knowledge then to carry out specific plans and become the queen of whatever it is in 12-24 hours. What a horrible way to ruin what you love, right?

 

Since I am aware that it begins this way I have learned to trick myself into falling down the obsessive doing hole by more subtle means.

I have learned, many times over, the lesson that working from intuition, living from center, and trusting the present moment are the ways to drift into flow and move with the natural order of the cosmos. Sometimes this divine alignment just isn’t sufficient for my mind. She cracks up, ‘how ridiculous,’ she says. ‘Our heart is a tangled mess. She can’t be trusted. We will do some meditation and yoga and work on that later, right now we only have X amount of time to spend learning or doing our way to the next step and that’s when the magic will happen. We must press on! We need to read this chapter, complete this exercise, then clean the house, go to work and come home, spend time with family and there is just no time for you to take 15 minutes going within. We have goals!’

 

Oh, mind. You mistrustful logical seducer of willing victims.

 

What results is the inevitable moment where I am agitated, mad I have not completed my projects because I cant settle into my body and get started. Madder still that I am not more disciplined. Angry even that I do not have enough time to do all the things I want to do. Disappointed that the moment I was living for has yet to come and so much time has passed and I am not the queen of anything yet!! I am sharp pointy needles all over, anxious, frustrated and finally emotional as well. Then I do something like burn the supper, that as a kitchen witch and someone who aspires to cook from a place of sacred intention at least 3 or 4 nights a week because I believe food is medicine, totally derails me and I consider myself the worst kind of failure at life. I would love to say I get the message already but sometimes it goes on a little longer before it dawns on me.

 

I’m doing too much.

 

Why is it so hard to slow down and rest in Spirit?

Why can’t we just believe that we are already full, already whole, already anointed, already Blessed? We are already enough. We are already a part of the One Thing. We already have access to the very divinity that we are grasping after.

 

Magic 101~ calm the mind. Drop it, even.

 

When I remind myself that this is the only lesson that I ever need to learn I just stop. I am not going to say that I cease to struggle with this realization when it occurs. I still feel some type of way about it that puts me out to say the least but I can, at last, give up. Surrender. Most of the time that feels good because the amount of tension that I have built up over trying to so damn hard is clamoring inside me to break.

 

I know that a few of the words I began this article with are not proper English. Language, vocabulary,  are meaningful even when misused and sometimes more so. There is a difference between applying effort and efforting, there is a difference between the quality of hardness and harding and thus hardening. This is a kind of punishment and pushing that is not self loving. These ambitions are coming from a space of inadequacy, not joy. Not love. Not Spirit.

 

So, what I have found is the same truth that I have been finding for years now. Stop, settle down, ground, connect. Even and ESPECIALLY DURING YOUR MOMENTS OF GREATEST RESISTANCE. Then move on with your projects from that place of union and connection. Now you’re holding sacred and intentional space, now you are home. Now you are Queen of everything.

Well, thats what I tell myself, your affirmations will be phrased as you are.

 

Much love folks, have a beautiful day and make haste slowly.  xoxoxo